I Know Not If I Sink Or Swim
by Hesta's Journal
Summary: Bellatrix teaches Narcissa to swim, and Narcissa learns that maybe Andromeda's song has more meaning to it than she had thought.


**Title: _I Know Not If I Sink Or Swim_**

**Author: _Hesta's Journal_**

**Word Count: _1998_**

**Type of Story: _Oneshot_**

**Summary: _Bellatrix teaches Narcissa to swim, and Narcissa learns that maybe Andromeda's song has more meaning to it than she had thought._**

**Author's Note: _This was written for magic doors's 'Childhood Memories Challenge' . The challenge was to write from a child's POV and the story had to be between 500 and 2000 words. The character given was Narcissa Malfoy, the age 10 and the prompt 'swimming'. _**

**_Also, I voluntarily included the song used in this, which is an Irish folk song, apparently, called 'The Water is Wide'. I didn't intend to use the full lyrics, but I found it wound quite well into the story... which, I tell you, is really strange because I had the plot of the story already all planned out and then I just found this song and thought, oh, this fits. _**

**_And yes, I know that 'testingly' isn't a real word but I thought that it sounded good in the context and sometimes I use words that aren't 'real' because I think they fit the purpose._**

**Disclaimer: JK Rowling: _Hesta?_**

**Me: _Yes, Jo?_**

**JKR: _I've read your fanfiction works - they're amazing and so I thought I would give the entire Harry Potter universe to you and relinquish my claim on it._**

**Me: _Really?_**

** JKR turns into an evil, laughing bunny: _In your DREAMS, sucker!_**

**Me: _Disclaimers are stupid and heartbreaking, need I say more?_**

* * *

_...the water is wide... I cannot cross over..._

Water stretched out before her, a seemingly limitless expanse of cool blackness and calm superiority. Andromeda was floating on her back in the centre of the lake, mouth moving softly as she sang to herself. Narcissa could hear Bella calling out to her, telling her to come and join them.

_I can't swim, Bella! _Narcissa called back irritatedly, sinking down onto the damp, muddy grass at the lake's edge. She felt the moisture seeping into her skin, chilling despite the warm day. She glanced over her shoulder to see where her mother was, about to ask her if she could put a floating charm on her. Her gaze fell on the strange man at her mother's side, talking to the woman in a low voice. The hum of the words reached Narcissa but the meanings vanished somewhere between the adults and the girl at the lakeside.

_Then ask Mother to put that charm on you, _Bellatrix said in a superior voice, smoothly swimming her way over to where Narcissa sat.

_She's talking, _the pale girl said simply.

Bellatrix eyed her younger sister disapprovingly. _Then I'll teach you how to swim, you'll have to start swimming sometime. You're ten after all. Can you imagine what they'll say at Hogwarts next year if they find out you can't swim?_

_... neither have I wings to fly... _

Narcissa imagined her head being dunked into Hogwarts' toilets. She allowed herself to slip further into the water, until it rested around her waist, silky smooth and calming. _They won't say anything - I'll be able to swim by then._

The smile on her sister's face was smug as she beckoned Narcissa further into the lake. _You'll have to be braver than this, Cissy. Go deeper._

Narcissa hesitated. Andromeda's soft voice, so unlike Bellatrix's in that instant, carried over the water to her, an unearthly being. If she listened carefully, she could just make out the words of the song... _give me a boat that can carry two... and both shall row, my true love and I..._

_Don't listen to her,_ Bellatrix commanded, gripping Narcissa's slim wrist. She tugged slightly and Narcissa stumbled forwards, water now around her chest, pushing upwards slowly as Bella led her onwards. _She's singing a stupid Mudblood song that she learned at Hogwarts. You don't want to know the words._

Prejudice seeped into the older girl's voice, yet Narcissa failed to notice, her attention on how the blackness around her was now at her chin. She felt goosebumps erupting over her skin at the crystal coldness. _Bella, I don't want to go any further. I like it here. _

_Do you want to be made fun of or not?_ Bella's voice, taunting.

Narcissa's feet took several steps forward, unwillingly. Now the water covered her mouth and she was breathing through her nostrils. Only her toes anchored her to the muddy floor of the lake. She turned her head, eyes searching for her mother. Yet her mother was still with the stranger, except now she was doing more than talking with him. His hands were at her face, her arms around his neck. Bellatrix followed Narcissa's gaze, eyes hardening before she tugged on her sister's arm.

_Ignore them - you want to learn how to swim, don't you,_ it wasn't a question. _Take a deep breath and go underwater._

She gazed at Bellatrix, uncertain. She didn't know if she wanted to swim so badly that she would risk sticking her head under the water without her mother's supervision. The lake was cold - what if she found that she was too cold to rise back to the surface? Sometimes, in winter, Narcissa had become cold and weary from playing outdoors that she had had to be carried home by someone Her mother wasn't even paying attention now - what would happen if nobody helped her?

_... a ship there is and she sails the sea.. she's loaded deep as deep can be..._

_Just do it,_ Bellatrix ducked her own head underwater to show that there was nothing to fear.

Breathing in deeply through her nostrils, Narcissa closed her eyes and dipped her head below the surface. Cold rushed at her face, yet it wasn't a harsh cold like the winter wind - it was cold fingers caressing her bare face, legs, arms. She blinked her eyes several times, and found that she could just see Bellatrix's blurred figure next to her, a beacon in the blackness. The voices around her muted, turning into nothing more than faint murmurs.

_... but not so deep as the love I'm in..._

Testingly, uncertainly, curiously, Narcissa moved her arm backwards and forwards slowly, feeling the water swirl around the limb, parting for it, pushing it onwards, slowing it down. She could just see faint bubbles seemingly erupt from her arm, swirling and curving their way upwards. Her head turned towards the surface, remaining just below it. How strange to see the faint sun above her, distorted by the lake so that it wavered and shimmered, candle-like.

_... I know not if I sink or swim..._

How could she never have noticed this before? Seen, heard, **felt** this before?

A rough hand grabbed her, hauling her upwards. She broke the surface, sputtering and eyes streaming lake water. She spat some of the foul liquid out of her mother and reach a hand up to rub at her eyes. _What? Why did you do that?_

_You stayed under for so long! _**_Too _**_long! I thought you might be drowning! _Bella's eyes, for once, were concerned rather than cunning. She examined her youngest sister worriedly. _Why did you stay under so long? _

_It... it was beautiful_, Narcissa breathed, gazing out at the mirror surface rather than her sister.

Andy's voice, eerie and child-like, wafted their way. Despite themselves, they stopped to listen, to try and hear the reason that their sister was singing a _Muggle_ song. Clouds drifted lazily over the pale summer sun, casting shadows over the children in the lake.

..._I leaned my back against an oak, thinking it was a trusty tree... but first it bent and then it broke, so did my love prove false to me..._

_Love-songs! _Bellatrix sneered, shaking her head and causing water droplets to fly in arcs around them, lighting up as the sun touched them. _She's such a Mudblood-lover... I hope Father talks some sense into her before it's too late..._

_It's a pretty song, _Narcissa said unthinkingly, turning out of habit to look at where her mother had been. To her surprise, neither her mother nor the stranger was anywhere to be seen. Panic shivered through her, and, before Bella could make a nasty retort to her statement, she cried out worriedly. _Bella! Where did Mummy go?_

The day seemed colder, the water less friendly, without her mother nearby. Yet Bellatrix seemed to shrug off the matter, her face darkening only slightly. _Don't worry about her. She's an adult - she can look after herself. Now... do you want to learn how to swim or not?_

Accepting Bellatrix's reassurances without much thought (no matter how often her mother had disappeared, she always returned), Narcissa nodded, water rippling out at her movement. _Okay._

Bellatrix started to demonstrate the breaststroke to her sister, slowing her movements down so that, even in the dark water, Narcissa could see what she had to copy. _You start like this..._

_...I reached my finger into some soft bush, thinking the fairest flower to find... I pricked my finger to the bone and left the fairest flower behind..._

Narcissa found the breaststroke strangely enjoyable. She knew that she didn't swim it with the gracefulness of Andromeda nor the vigorous energy of Bellatrix, but she enjoyed the feeling of the water swirling up and around her, covering her back before sliding off as she rose to take a breath. Bellatrix played the part of supportive elder sister, applauding her efforts when she did something particularly well, or pointing out where she had gone wrong.

_Bella? _Narcissa murmured as her sister showed her how to float on her back. They had started practicing in shallower water now, as Bellatrix had deemed Narcissa crazy enough to not fight drowning.

_Yes?_

Narcissa's brow furrowed and she examined her wrinkly, prune-like fingers - the result of spending too much time in the water, she realised. _Who was that man? The one with Mummy?_

_I..., _Bella frowned slightly, eyes avoiding her sister's curious gaze. _He's a friend of Mother's._

_Oh. Why've I never seen him before? _Narcissa asked, more out of idle curiosity than a genuine need to find out, moving her feet in and out of the water absentmindedly.

_You haven't seen all of Father's friends, _Bellatrix said by way of answer, turning onto her stomach and sinking into the water for a few seconds before resurfacing. Narcissa's gaze followed the unexpectedly graceful move and she found herself wishing **she** could move like that.

Andromeda had swum nearer to them by now, and she was looking more sorrowful than ever. Narcissa wondered how any one person could find as much sadness in the world as Andromeda sometimes seemed to... _oh love be handsome and love be kind, gay as a jewel when first it is new... but love grows old and waxes cold and fades away like the morning dew..._

_Didn't I tell you to stop singing those songs? They're so stupid, _Bellatrix said irritably, but the younger girl steadfastly ignored her, not caring, and dipped below the surface, sending out small rings of water. Bella turned to Narcissa. _Do you want to continue swimming with me?_

_Yes!_ Narcissa exclaimed, but not before sending a curious glance Andromeda's way. How strange that girl was sometimes. She knew that her mother thought Andromeda slightly mad, but Narcissa found the other girl's presence often calming. Andromeda seemed to be able to find a different meaning to this world than the other Blacks and Narcissa envied the peace it gave her sister.

_... Must I go bound while you go free? Must I love a man who doesn't love me? Must I be born with so little art, as to love a man who'll break my heart?..._

When their mother finally returned, face flushed and alone, Narcissa could hardly fail to notice her older sisters' eyes darkening. Yet her mother greeted them affectionately, as though nothing was out of the ordinary and told them that it was time to go home. Narcissa obediently left the water, feeling an inexplicable sense of loss.

She chose to walk beside Andromeda on the way back, feeling that her sister's calming nature better befit Narcissa's mood than Bellatrix's fiery one. And when Andromeda continued to sing the song on the way back, she didn't complain - to Narcissa, it was a pretty song and no more... _when cockle shells turn silver bells... then will my love come back to me..._

_Andy, why do you sing that song? _Narcissa asked when her sister had finished, surprised when Andromeda shot her an uncharacteristically piercing look.

_It's true, _Andromeda shrugged. Narcissa was faintly irritated by the mysterious sounding answer - why did Andromeda always pretend to be so all-knowing?

It wasn't until she was sixteen and in love with Lucius Malfoy that she felt understood. She had gazed with shock at her parents, the people she had looked up to for so many years. And then she had vowed that she would never endure a marriage like the one her parents had had.

Perhaps what Andromeda had been trying to tell her, though, was that sometimes love didn't last. Narcissa started learning that the day she walked in on her husband with another woman. And when he had apologised and said that she should learn to control her temper, that it didn't matter (she still loved him, didn't she?) she suddenly found herself repeating her sister's song...

_... when roses bloom in winter's gloom, then will my love return to me..._


End file.
